My Christmas Present

This was written on Christmas Eve, 2009, but I didn't really feel comfortable posting it until now. I think I was afraid I was jumping the gun because the situation was still so fragile and I didn't want to post this then have it all fall apart again and have to explain that. But what is contained in this post still rings true today and I feel confident putting it out there.

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It is only Christmas Eve, but I have already received all the presents that I want. In fact, I have never in 30 Christmases gotten anything better.

Over the last five days or so, I almost lost my reason for living: my family.

Without going into any detail, let me just say that the agony, pain, anxiousness, and the emotional roller-coaster was the most intense that I have ever faced.

The closest comparison I can come up with is the anxiety that I can imagine a man would feel if his wife and children were all in life-threatening surgery at the same time, and had about a zero-chance of living. It was hell. I had five years (of marriage) to foster a healthy family, but at this moment, I could do nothing but wait... and wait. My time had run out and all I could do was hope for a second chance.

Jean Paul Richter said that "Sleep, riches and health to be truly enjoyed, must be interrupted." Shamefully I admit that for me, my marriage would have been included on that list as well. I truly did not realize what a wonderful thing I had until it was all but snatched away from me, out of my grasp.

After days of seeking counsel, waiting, and being unable to do anything to change the situation (and after losing ten pounds in under a week), a light is emerging in the darkness. It is a new day, and I have been given another opportunity at life. Although neither of us knows how or where to start, we are going to try. We are going to make it.

As is the unfortunate truth for many things that matter, sometimes they have to completely fall apart and be rebuilt from the beginning in order to make them right. I think that this horrible situation that we have been through, although it will leave some "tough scars" (to quote a good friend), will cause our marriage to grow into a thing of strength and resilience. A hard road is ahead, but I am so happy to have the chance to walk that hard road. For a while it seemed that my time was up.

Anyone that knows me at all knows that the past few years of my life have been completely godless, and that I willingly and eagerly left behind everything having to do with spirituality. I am not back. I still am not claiming to be a Christian (or any other religion for that matter). There is a lot to deal with in that department too. But one thing I can say is that just as my wife is willing to walk the long, hard road with me to a better marriage, I am at least considering stepping back onto the narrow road, and trying to figure things out in that arena. That is leagues closer to God than I have been in a long time.

The reason I cannot just jump back in with both feet, and have everything be "Jesus and Josh" is because I have always despised how people in tumultuous times run to religion and then it just fades away once they are okay again. Jails, prisons, hospitals, and battlefields are full of people who have run to Jesus in their distress, but will leave it all behind as soon as they are back on their feet. I will not do that. But I will say that there was absolutely no chance of my wife and I staying together, and the fact that we are going to give it another shot is a miracle. The counselor that we were talking to said that modern psychology has no answer for the situation that we were in. He said that the only way it would ever be repaired is if God worked a miracle... and I think He did.

There is a lot of work ahead. Long roads await, but those roads must be walked because of all that is at stake. The journey will be hard, but worth it.

Another special thing that I was given in this Christmas season is a kiss from my little one-year-old daughter, Madison. What was so special about it is that it was the first kiss she has ever given anyone in her whole life... and she gave it to her daddy.

Yesterday after being reunited with my family, I was holding her and after giving her a kiss on the cheek, she looked at me and leaned close to me, not stopping until her little lips were touching mine. My wife is the only person on this earth that I ever kiss on the lips, but when Maddie did that, it was so special. She needs to work on her technique a little because she got drool all over me and pretty much had my bottom lip in her mouth. She gave me just a little peck, and then did it again. Talk about making my day.

Christmas may be tomorrow, but I don't need any more gifts. I've already gotten more than I ever thought possible.