This was written on Christmas Eve, 2009, but I didn't really feel comfortable posting it until now. I think I was afraid I was jumping the gun because the situation was still so fragile and I didn't want to post this then have it all fall apart again and have to explain that. But what is contained in this post still rings true today and I feel confident putting it out there.
______________________________________
It is only Christmas Eve, but I have already received all the presents that I want. In fact, I have never in 30 Christmases gotten anything better.
Over the last five days or so, I almost lost my reason for living: my family.
Without going into any detail, let me just say that the agony, pain, anxiousness, and the emotional roller-coaster was the most intense that I have ever faced.
The closest comparison I can come up with is the anxiety that I can imagine a man would feel if his wife and children were all in life-threatening surgery at the same time, and had about a zero-chance of living. It was hell. I had five years (of marriage) to foster a healthy family, but at this moment, I could do nothing but wait... and wait. My time had run out and all I could do was hope for a second chance.
Jean Paul Richter said that "Sleep, riches and health to be truly enjoyed, must be interrupted." Shamefully I admit that for me, my marriage would have been included on that list as well. I truly did not realize what a wonderful thing I had until it was all but snatched away from me, out of my grasp.
After days of seeking counsel, waiting, and being unable to do anything to change the situation (and after losing ten pounds in under a week), a light is emerging in the darkness. It is a new day, and I have been given another opportunity at life. Although neither of us knows how or where to start, we are going to try. We are going to make it.
As is the unfortunate truth for many things that matter, sometimes they have to completely fall apart and be rebuilt from the beginning in order to make them right. I think that this horrible situation that we have been through, although it will leave some "tough scars" (to quote a good friend), will cause our marriage to grow into a thing of strength and resilience. A hard road is ahead, but I am so happy to have the chance to walk that hard road. For a while it seemed that my time was up.
Anyone that knows me at all knows that the past few years of my life have been completely godless, and that I willingly and eagerly left behind everything having to do with spirituality. I am not back. I still am not claiming to be a Christian (or any other religion for that matter). There is a lot to deal with in that department too. But one thing I can say is that just as my wife is willing to walk the long, hard road with me to a better marriage, I am at least considering stepping back onto the narrow road, and trying to figure things out in that arena. That is leagues closer to God than I have been in a long time.
The reason I cannot just jump back in with both feet, and have everything be "Jesus and Josh" is because I have always despised how people in tumultuous times run to religion and then it just fades away once they are okay again. Jails, prisons, hospitals, and battlefields are full of people who have run to Jesus in their distress, but will leave it all behind as soon as they are back on their feet. I will not do that. But I will say that there was absolutely no chance of my wife and I staying together, and the fact that we are going to give it another shot is a miracle. The counselor that we were talking to said that modern psychology has no answer for the situation that we were in. He said that the only way it would ever be repaired is if God worked a miracle... and I think He did.
There is a lot of work ahead. Long roads await, but those roads must be walked because of all that is at stake. The journey will be hard, but worth it.
Another special thing that I was given in this Christmas season is a kiss from my little one-year-old daughter, Madison. What was so special about it is that it was the first kiss she has ever given anyone in her whole life... and she gave it to her daddy.
Yesterday after being reunited with my family, I was holding her and after giving her a kiss on the cheek, she looked at me and leaned close to me, not stopping until her little lips were touching mine. My wife is the only person on this earth that I ever kiss on the lips, but when Maddie did that, it was so special. She needs to work on her technique a little because she got drool all over me and pretty much had my bottom lip in her mouth. She gave me just a little peck, and then did it again. Talk about making my day.
Christmas may be tomorrow, but I don't need any more gifts. I've already gotten more than I ever thought possible.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Keeping Track of Books
I have been thinking that it would be a good idea to catalog the books I read, so I remember and have a record of them. Being that I tend to be a slow (but comprehensive) reader, I do not fly through books, so I do read a pathetic amount of books throughout the year. It is a pretty big commitment for me to take on the task of reading a book, so I try to only choose books that I really want to read. I say that, because if you see my list, you may think that I have either given up on reading, or am neglecting to list the books I read, based on the lack of titles, or the slowness of their growth. Not so; I am almost always at the task of reading a book, but it may take quite a while to get through.
- Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
- The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University, by Kevin Roose
- The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary, by Simon Winchester
- Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America -- and Found Unexpected Peace, by William Lobdell
- God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything, by Christopher Hitchens
- There is a God: How the World's Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind, by Antony Flew
- Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card (07.20.2010)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Noah's Ark
Last night, I was using the bathroom in the middle of the night and looking at Brooklyn's bath toys. She has a few rubber ducks, a "Hello Kitty" toy, a bath book, and a Noah's Ark toy, complete with Noah, his wife, and some animals. I am frequently reminded of a part in Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz, whenever I look at the Noah's Ark boat. He says it best, so I will just quote him:
"I associated much of Christian doctrine with children's stories because I grew up in church. My Sunday school teachers had turned Bible narrative into children's fables. They talked about Noah and the ark because the story had animals in it. They failed to mention that this was when God massacred all of humanity.
It took me a while to realize that these stories, while often used with children, are not at all children's stories. I think the devil has tricked us into thinking so much of biblical theology is [a] story fit for kids. How did we come to think that the story of Noah's ark is appropriate for children? Can you imagine a children's book about Noah's ark complete with paintings of people gasping in gallons of water, mothers grasping their children while their bodies go flying down white-rapid rivers, the children's tiny heads being bashed against rocks or hung up in fallen trees? I don't think a children's book like that would sell many copies."
(Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, pages 30-31)
When I give Brooklyn her baths and she plays with the ark, I often think in the back of my mind, "This toy must be incomplete... where are all the drowning people?" She has a rocking chair at my parent's house that has a painting of Noah, his family, and the animals on it... I think the same thing when I see that...
It is interesting to think about who was the first person to think that this was a good story to teach kids about and think of it as cute... why not make some children's books about the Colosseum when people were thrown to the lions... after all, it would have some adorable little kitties in it?!
"I associated much of Christian doctrine with children's stories because I grew up in church. My Sunday school teachers had turned Bible narrative into children's fables. They talked about Noah and the ark because the story had animals in it. They failed to mention that this was when God massacred all of humanity.
It took me a while to realize that these stories, while often used with children, are not at all children's stories. I think the devil has tricked us into thinking so much of biblical theology is [a] story fit for kids. How did we come to think that the story of Noah's ark is appropriate for children? Can you imagine a children's book about Noah's ark complete with paintings of people gasping in gallons of water, mothers grasping their children while their bodies go flying down white-rapid rivers, the children's tiny heads being bashed against rocks or hung up in fallen trees? I don't think a children's book like that would sell many copies."
(Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, pages 30-31)
When I give Brooklyn her baths and she plays with the ark, I often think in the back of my mind, "This toy must be incomplete... where are all the drowning people?" She has a rocking chair at my parent's house that has a painting of Noah, his family, and the animals on it... I think the same thing when I see that...
It is interesting to think about who was the first person to think that this was a good story to teach kids about and think of it as cute... why not make some children's books about the Colosseum when people were thrown to the lions... after all, it would have some adorable little kitties in it?!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Elephant I Would Love to Discuss
Don't you hate it when you have something that you want to write about in the middle of the night and you know that if you don't get up and do it, you won't have the gumption or inspiration to write about it in the morning? That's where I'm at right now... Ug...
As most may know, my brother in law Mike and I began brewing our own beer a little over a year (or so) ago. It has been such a great hobby--not only that, but I feel like I've gained a best friend out of the deal too. It has been such a wonderful experience to not only hang out with Mike around a 5 gallon kettle and just talk, joke, and brew--my family loves him and Sarah (his wife/my sister) a ton as well. Going into business with Mike (opening a brewery) is something that I'm excited about from an entrepreneurial standpoint and on a human level of loving him and Sarah and being able to see them and work with them every day.
Unfortunately, even as I've gained such a great bond and friendship with Mike and Sarah through something as simple as brewing beer, I feel like I've driven a gap in between myself and two of the most important people in my life. Since this is a public forum, I will do my best not to mention any names or be too specific (if that is possible). For the sake of ease-of-writing though, I will have to assign some sort of names to them, so I will call them "A" and "B."
As I lay in bed twenty minutes ago, I was thinking about how I might as well be cooking methamphetamine or something (as far as "A" and "B" are concerned). Of course meth is illegal, so that would be touching on a whole new level, but I seriously feel like that is what they think. I know that beer (and alcohol in general) is something that many religions have different rules on (man-made rules, but we won't get into that right now...), but it seems like there is a difference between someone who walks around downtown collecting bottles (there is a 10 cent refund per bottle in Michigan) just so he can go to the grocery store and purchase a 40 ounce of Miller High-Life, and someone who just finds enjoyment in spending the day boiling a bunch of ingredients, and conversing with a friend. The process of brewing is actually more fulfilling to me than the end result (although I won't necessarily complain about the end result...). Seriously though, Jesus and I could have a better conversation about brewing beer than "A" and "B" and I can have... and I bet he could give me some pretty good tips since He knows how to make his batches from just water! (Talk about low overhead!)
"A" really likes wood-working and has been carving ducks out of wood for about as long as I've been brewing beer. It is a hobby that he really enjoys and has built a friendship with other guys who like to do the same thing. For weeks, they got together and not only carved ducks out of wood, but I'm sure they came to appreciate each other more than they had before, and all this happened because of a few blocks of wood.
When I go over to "A's" house, he loves to take me down to the basement and show me the progress of his current project, talk about what step he is on, what he has to do next, and show off any new tools that he has added to his collection. I like looking and listening, not because I give a chicken's beak about ducks or wood-working, but because I love "A" and can appreciate this hobby because it is something that he enjoys. I don't pretend to be interested--I really am interested because it is an opening in "A's" life that I can be a part of, if for a moment, and I can get to know him a little better because of it.
For me, brewing beer is something that is just not spoken of around "A" or "B," even though they are quite aware that it is something that Mike and I do. It's the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. It has come up only once with "A" and he simply said that he is "concerned" that I do it. That's it.
Actually, I would love to talk about this elephant in the room with them... I'm sure they couldn't care less about brewing itself (just as I'm not really into wooden ducks), but to be able to talk to them about our latest batch, what we've got going, how we've got a mead that is going to sit until Christmas 2009, how we might like to open a brewery, how the process of brewing is done, how the grains smell like you're baking a fresh loaf of bread as you pour them into boiling water, how the carbonation happens naturally, and how much I enjoy it; yeah, that is something that I wish I could share with them. Not because I expect them to want to brew or anything, but because it is something that I like doing, and all it does right now is make them dance around the topic like it's a land mine.
Yesterday, Mike and Sarah and I went to the Michigan Brewer's Guild Winter Festival and I asked "A" and "B" to watch Brooklyn and Madison because Jessica wanted a few hours to just read, and have some time to herself. "A" and "B" said they would gladly watch the kids, and asked what we were up to... "Are you going to see a movie or something?" When I told them where we were going, it all but ended the conversation, and that was it. They still agreed to watch the girls, but when we went to drop them off, there were no questions of "So where is the festival at?" "What is going on at the festival?", etc. There was not even a "Have fun"... all they said in regards to it was "Be careful." That's it. I'm pretty sure I would at least pretend to care if "A" was going to a wooden duck festival...
In fact, the question "Are you going to see a movie" is pretty revolutionary... Ten years ago if I had asked "A" and "B" to watch my kids so I could go see a movie, it would have been the same reaction I got when I asked them to watch them so I could go to a brewing festival. Today, if I told them that I was going to work at a movie theater, or even open my own movie theater, it would be met with many interested inquiries, but not back then. Maybe if I give it ten years of so, they will be okay with what I'm doing... maybe they will even stop in to the pub that Mike and I start to say hi... or get something to eat... or... drink... nah. But by then, maybe I'll be making methamphetamine and I'll have a whole new obstacle.
Okay, I'm going back to bed now... "A" and "B"... If you read this, I really would like you to be a part of my life. I love you guys. Good night.
As most may know, my brother in law Mike and I began brewing our own beer a little over a year (or so) ago. It has been such a great hobby--not only that, but I feel like I've gained a best friend out of the deal too. It has been such a wonderful experience to not only hang out with Mike around a 5 gallon kettle and just talk, joke, and brew--my family loves him and Sarah (his wife/my sister) a ton as well. Going into business with Mike (opening a brewery) is something that I'm excited about from an entrepreneurial standpoint and on a human level of loving him and Sarah and being able to see them and work with them every day.
Unfortunately, even as I've gained such a great bond and friendship with Mike and Sarah through something as simple as brewing beer, I feel like I've driven a gap in between myself and two of the most important people in my life. Since this is a public forum, I will do my best not to mention any names or be too specific (if that is possible). For the sake of ease-of-writing though, I will have to assign some sort of names to them, so I will call them "A" and "B."
As I lay in bed twenty minutes ago, I was thinking about how I might as well be cooking methamphetamine or something (as far as "A" and "B" are concerned). Of course meth is illegal, so that would be touching on a whole new level, but I seriously feel like that is what they think. I know that beer (and alcohol in general) is something that many religions have different rules on (man-made rules, but we won't get into that right now...), but it seems like there is a difference between someone who walks around downtown collecting bottles (there is a 10 cent refund per bottle in Michigan) just so he can go to the grocery store and purchase a 40 ounce of Miller High-Life, and someone who just finds enjoyment in spending the day boiling a bunch of ingredients, and conversing with a friend. The process of brewing is actually more fulfilling to me than the end result (although I won't necessarily complain about the end result...). Seriously though, Jesus and I could have a better conversation about brewing beer than "A" and "B" and I can have... and I bet he could give me some pretty good tips since He knows how to make his batches from just water! (Talk about low overhead!)
"A" really likes wood-working and has been carving ducks out of wood for about as long as I've been brewing beer. It is a hobby that he really enjoys and has built a friendship with other guys who like to do the same thing. For weeks, they got together and not only carved ducks out of wood, but I'm sure they came to appreciate each other more than they had before, and all this happened because of a few blocks of wood.
When I go over to "A's" house, he loves to take me down to the basement and show me the progress of his current project, talk about what step he is on, what he has to do next, and show off any new tools that he has added to his collection. I like looking and listening, not because I give a chicken's beak about ducks or wood-working, but because I love "A" and can appreciate this hobby because it is something that he enjoys. I don't pretend to be interested--I really am interested because it is an opening in "A's" life that I can be a part of, if for a moment, and I can get to know him a little better because of it.
For me, brewing beer is something that is just not spoken of around "A" or "B," even though they are quite aware that it is something that Mike and I do. It's the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. It has come up only once with "A" and he simply said that he is "concerned" that I do it. That's it.
Actually, I would love to talk about this elephant in the room with them... I'm sure they couldn't care less about brewing itself (just as I'm not really into wooden ducks), but to be able to talk to them about our latest batch, what we've got going, how we've got a mead that is going to sit until Christmas 2009, how we might like to open a brewery, how the process of brewing is done, how the grains smell like you're baking a fresh loaf of bread as you pour them into boiling water, how the carbonation happens naturally, and how much I enjoy it; yeah, that is something that I wish I could share with them. Not because I expect them to want to brew or anything, but because it is something that I like doing, and all it does right now is make them dance around the topic like it's a land mine.
Yesterday, Mike and Sarah and I went to the Michigan Brewer's Guild Winter Festival and I asked "A" and "B" to watch Brooklyn and Madison because Jessica wanted a few hours to just read, and have some time to herself. "A" and "B" said they would gladly watch the kids, and asked what we were up to... "Are you going to see a movie or something?" When I told them where we were going, it all but ended the conversation, and that was it. They still agreed to watch the girls, but when we went to drop them off, there were no questions of "So where is the festival at?" "What is going on at the festival?", etc. There was not even a "Have fun"... all they said in regards to it was "Be careful." That's it. I'm pretty sure I would at least pretend to care if "A" was going to a wooden duck festival...
In fact, the question "Are you going to see a movie" is pretty revolutionary... Ten years ago if I had asked "A" and "B" to watch my kids so I could go see a movie, it would have been the same reaction I got when I asked them to watch them so I could go to a brewing festival. Today, if I told them that I was going to work at a movie theater, or even open my own movie theater, it would be met with many interested inquiries, but not back then. Maybe if I give it ten years of so, they will be okay with what I'm doing... maybe they will even stop in to the pub that Mike and I start to say hi... or get something to eat... or... drink... nah. But by then, maybe I'll be making methamphetamine and I'll have a whole new obstacle.
Okay, I'm going back to bed now... "A" and "B"... If you read this, I really would like you to be a part of my life. I love you guys. Good night.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Dreams are Brewing...
Lately I've been applying to jobs all over the country...and some outside the U.S. I must have put out approximately 75 resumes or so and have not really heard anything back at all. In November I finally finished my bachelor's degree and am basically just looking to increase my income. This is something that is necessary, but not that I am passionate about.
Just a couple of days ago, my bro in law Mike and I were having coffee and we talked about the possibility of opening our own beer brewery/pub. We brew beer together already--probably have for a year to a year and a half now. This is seriously something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but just kind of sitting there as a dream that would never come to fruition. The thing is, when Mike brought it up and was very serious about discussing it, I was thrilled to hear that I was not alone in this dream.
I went to the library on Wednesday and got a bunch of books about brewing, and how to open a brewery. Tomorrow, Mike and I are going to a Michigan Brewing Festival and plan on talking to people who have done what we would like to do.
This would be so much better than just getting another job...
Just a couple of days ago, my bro in law Mike and I were having coffee and we talked about the possibility of opening our own beer brewery/pub. We brew beer together already--probably have for a year to a year and a half now. This is seriously something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but just kind of sitting there as a dream that would never come to fruition. The thing is, when Mike brought it up and was very serious about discussing it, I was thrilled to hear that I was not alone in this dream.
I went to the library on Wednesday and got a bunch of books about brewing, and how to open a brewery. Tomorrow, Mike and I are going to a Michigan Brewing Festival and plan on talking to people who have done what we would like to do.
This would be so much better than just getting another job...
Monday, February 23, 2009
A Letter to Those Who May be Confused/Concerned:
It has crossed my mind on several occasions that many of my friends and/or acquaintances from the past (mainly those who are "friends" on facebook) may be wondering what in the world happened to me. I am obviously not the same person that you knew back when we knew each other better. Maybe it is egotistical of me to even think that you have given my situation any thought, but knowing many of you to be sincere, kind, caring people, you probably have been concerned. I know I would be about you if our situations were reversed.
Specifically, what I am speaking of is my spiritual situation. My previous post (written sometime in 2008...I don't blog much) is actually pretty accurate still, but I thought I would write an update.
It has now been approximately one to two years since I have attended church. I can't quite remember when I stopped going. Sunday mornings have never been so wonderful... A quiet, relaxing morning with a cup of coffee and a newspaper/book seems to be much more of a spiritual experience than most of the times that I have been to a church service.
Back on track: I don't think there is one specific experience on which I can blame my digression (or progression, depending on your viewpoint). It seems that it was a slow process with ups and downs... kind of like the stock market. If my spiritual life was on a line graph, it would probably look a lot like a market-watch analysis... and just as we are having a financial recession right now, my line graph would also reflect a recession... probably bottoming out more than ever before! Again, it would depend on your spiritual position as to whether this is good or bad; Richard Dawkins would definitely see this as a positive trend...
To try and make a long story short, I am no longer a "Christian." This is probably stating the obvious, but why not just come out and say it? Perhaps one day I will come to know that Christianity is truth, but I am far from convinced at this point. I don't necessarily believe that one particular religion has it right and everyone else has it wrong. Don't mistake this as saying that I don't believe in absolute truth. What I am saying is that I don't know that anyone has it right! Over the centuries, religions have come and gone, many of them buried in the ruins of their long-forgotten civilization.
Side note: After watching Bill Maher's newly released DVD Religulous this past weekend, I found it interesting that there have been many "saviors" throughout time that had many similarities to Jesus Christ; Many of them were born of a virgin, crucified, and resurrected (according their religious traditions). For example: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_jcpa5.htm
After being a "Chaplain" in high school, a "Spiritual Life Director" in college, a Bible study leader at various times, a praise band member at church, a Christian camp counselor, on several mission trips, speaking in chapel in high school, a VBS leader, an AWANA attendee for my entire childhood, a church member my whole life (and the list goes on), and now a Christian drop-out... I would find that pretty confusing if I were you. After 29 years of life, I can say with confidence that the last year and a half (or so) has pretty much been the happiest and best of times for me. I'm sure I've used the analogy before, and not to be cliche-"ish," but it is like when you have a sliver of wood removed from your finger; the tingling and the relief is sweet.
For those of you that would now say that I was never "really saved," or that I was "just going through 'the motions'" (as I probably would say about me if I were you), I can say with the utmost confidence that I was not. I wholeheartedly believed it all. I had the times of great spiritual highs (and lows), and really experienced what I thought to be the "presence of God" at times. For those of you that know me well, you know that I try and have always tried to be as genuine and frank as possible; I hate putting up a front just to impress people, and I try my best to never be fake. I would not have spent 27 years of my life living a facade. I struggled often, and questioned many times, but I never "went through the motions." It was as real as it gets...
I want you to know though, that I am still asking the questions. I have not given up. I want TRUTH... I want to KNOW... Merely settling for what was ingrained into me since birth is not good enough for me. The religion of my culture is not necessarily the religion for me. As Thomas Jefferson said, "Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."
So, after my random rambling, I hope that this might answer (perhaps vaguely) any questions of "What happened to Josh?" Quite frankly, I don't even know the answer to that question... But I'm searching for answers.
Specifically, what I am speaking of is my spiritual situation. My previous post (written sometime in 2008...I don't blog much) is actually pretty accurate still, but I thought I would write an update.
It has now been approximately one to two years since I have attended church. I can't quite remember when I stopped going. Sunday mornings have never been so wonderful... A quiet, relaxing morning with a cup of coffee and a newspaper/book seems to be much more of a spiritual experience than most of the times that I have been to a church service.
Back on track: I don't think there is one specific experience on which I can blame my digression (or progression, depending on your viewpoint). It seems that it was a slow process with ups and downs... kind of like the stock market. If my spiritual life was on a line graph, it would probably look a lot like a market-watch analysis... and just as we are having a financial recession right now, my line graph would also reflect a recession... probably bottoming out more than ever before! Again, it would depend on your spiritual position as to whether this is good or bad; Richard Dawkins would definitely see this as a positive trend...
To try and make a long story short, I am no longer a "Christian." This is probably stating the obvious, but why not just come out and say it? Perhaps one day I will come to know that Christianity is truth, but I am far from convinced at this point. I don't necessarily believe that one particular religion has it right and everyone else has it wrong. Don't mistake this as saying that I don't believe in absolute truth. What I am saying is that I don't know that anyone has it right! Over the centuries, religions have come and gone, many of them buried in the ruins of their long-forgotten civilization.
Side note: After watching Bill Maher's newly released DVD Religulous this past weekend, I found it interesting that there have been many "saviors" throughout time that had many similarities to Jesus Christ; Many of them were born of a virgin, crucified, and resurrected (according their religious traditions). For example: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_jcpa5.htm
After being a "Chaplain" in high school, a "Spiritual Life Director" in college, a Bible study leader at various times, a praise band member at church, a Christian camp counselor, on several mission trips, speaking in chapel in high school, a VBS leader, an AWANA attendee for my entire childhood, a church member my whole life (and the list goes on), and now a Christian drop-out... I would find that pretty confusing if I were you. After 29 years of life, I can say with confidence that the last year and a half (or so) has pretty much been the happiest and best of times for me. I'm sure I've used the analogy before, and not to be cliche-"ish," but it is like when you have a sliver of wood removed from your finger; the tingling and the relief is sweet.
For those of you that would now say that I was never "really saved," or that I was "just going through 'the motions'" (as I probably would say about me if I were you), I can say with the utmost confidence that I was not. I wholeheartedly believed it all. I had the times of great spiritual highs (and lows), and really experienced what I thought to be the "presence of God" at times. For those of you that know me well, you know that I try and have always tried to be as genuine and frank as possible; I hate putting up a front just to impress people, and I try my best to never be fake. I would not have spent 27 years of my life living a facade. I struggled often, and questioned many times, but I never "went through the motions." It was as real as it gets...
I want you to know though, that I am still asking the questions. I have not given up. I want TRUTH... I want to KNOW... Merely settling for what was ingrained into me since birth is not good enough for me. The religion of my culture is not necessarily the religion for me. As Thomas Jefferson said, "Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."
So, after my random rambling, I hope that this might answer (perhaps vaguely) any questions of "What happened to Josh?" Quite frankly, I don't even know the answer to that question... But I'm searching for answers.
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