I'm happy. I probably shouldn't be, but I am. More accurately: I've always been told that I shouldn't be (under my current conditions)...but I'm not sure that that was true.
I haven't been to church in many months. I don't know which way is up when it comes to spiritual truth. I am living "worldly."
When I was growing up, I was told that life would not be worth living without Jesus. I was told that you cannot be happy or have joy in life without a relationship with Him.
Well, here I am...exactly where I was always told I should not be...and I'm doing all right. Actually, I haven't felt this free or fulfilled...ever! One of the only things that brings me sadness or unrest in this whole development is that my family and some close friends who are Christians are sad for me and are very concerned.
Currently, I am reading a book called Blue Like Jazz: Non-Religious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, by Donald Miller. So far the book is very engaging and enjoyable. This morning I finished chapter six, in which the author discussed his struggle with sin, guilt, and doing what is right.
This brought back clear memories of what I struggled with when I was "walking with Christ," (or trying to): The constant desire to do good, but the complete inability to do it. The reminder that "grace" was there because we couldn't do good. The inability to wrap my mind around "grace," and falling right back into guilt. Life sucks when the only thing that you know is that you can't possibly do what you know you should, so you feel like a failure day in and day out.
I know that this is when some would direct me to Romans 8, and tell me that this is not the way it is supposed to be..."There is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION," they would tell me. That looks terrific on paper, but how is that internalized, lived out, made real? If we are prone to do certain things in our human state, but told that we are not supposed to do them, and every day is just a struggle against the natural grain of life, but then we're not supposed to feel guilty because of grace....what kind of life is that??? To borrow an analogy from Don Miller, that is like diesel engines being told to run on unleaded gasoline!
About a year ago, I was urged by my wife and a few close friends to go see a doctor about depression. It is something that I had lived with for as long as I could remember, so I had gotten used to it. To them though, they saw it clearly and finally convinced me to go. It has really been a good thing--it has helped tremendously, and I've really never been happier or as content with life. But reflecting on this whole "can't do it, should do it, shouldn't do it, did do it...oh, but there's grace," thing brings back vivid memories of why I was depressed, and why I felt that way my whole life. What kind of life is that anyway?
Then there's the whole "relationship with God" thing... what does that mean?! In the aforementioned book, Don Miller says that he thought "...God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers. When this didn't happen, I became confused." (p. 60) I have a relationship with my wife, my daughter, and some close friends. I know what "relationships" are and what they are composed of. I am to "relate" with the person, converse, listen, love. How is this done with an entity that I have never seen, been with (oh wait, He's everywhere, isn't He...I forgot), heard (oh, I'm supposed to hear Him in the Bible...yeah...I've had more intimate conversations with people in the drive-thru at McDonald's).
People can say that they're so in love with God, and some of them actually mean it. Others will tell you of their close relationship with Him and say things like "I can tell you that God is alive because I talked to him this morning." I talked to the AT&T phone operator a few weeks ago when I called 411, but she has never called me, and just because I can talk to her does not imply that I have a relationship with her. In fact, now that I come to think of it, I've gotten more "relational," more useful, and more real information from her than I have from a "relationship with God." That may sound heretical, and downright blasphemous, but it's true! She gives me real phone numbers to real places that I can call, or even go to. When I try to have a relationship with God, I get confusion, guilt, and depression.
I can predict all the "answers" to everything I've written so far... I know the arguments, the scriptures, the right things to say in order to try and convince someone to come to an understanding of what this is all about.... But that's not what I want. I've been on that roller-coaster my whole life. It makes sense on paper, but what about reality? How are we supposed to live???... and this is where you say "under grace,"...I know.
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4 comments:
I really liked reading what you had to say, because, if we are honest with ourselves, everyone of us who says we follow Christ has felt like this, more than once throughout life. Everyone tells us how we should now feel that we have the relationship with Christ, except, we feel like we must just not get it because we don't "feel" it like we think we should. Like you said, everyone makes it sound like it should be easy, just these easy steps to a happy healthy spiritual life and boom, we can take on anything. I think that's where we as Christians don't always take the time to engage with one another and talk about these struggles and to share with eachother in a nonjudgmental way. Because we all have these struggles!
When you were talking about the "back and forth" where you never really want to pick up that Bible for a few months, except obligation or guilt tells you that you should. And then the feeling of 'why do I feel that way? Isn't God suppose to have changed my heart to want the things of God all the time now? Why do I not want this right now?'.
Thankyou for what you wrote, because those are things we all wrestle with, and we all need to share and struggle together, instead of telling each other the steps to an "easier" life.
Josh, I haven't talked to you in years, but i was curious to see what you were up to and your facebook page led me here. Interesting blog to say the least. The coolest part about it is that its honest. You've got to work through these things on your own. Any help you get will have to be help you want, and thats why i think theres no reason for people to try to "convince" you. Think about the word "faith". What is it and where does it fit into all of this. I'm praying for you man and would love to catch up some time.
Dwayne Walker
wow
I find familiarity with your thuoghts.
Just bought Blue Like Jazz. Will definitely have to crack it open soon.
thanks.
i would say for the last year...no, it has to be more than that...i have told friends that i refuse to feel guilty. i'm sick of it. it is a burden i do not want to carry any more. i avoid books that i think might make me feel that way. i avoid people that i think might make me feel that way. my hackles raise when i anticipate a comment or a point in a sermon that might make me feel that way. in a way, it has been very freeing, and although it has the potential to be very unhealthy, i think it is my road to getting stronger, of understanding grace. i was telling kevin the other day that i think i have had to go all the way back to the beginning, all the way to 'does God exist' to see if i can...if i can get out from under the stuff i think about God that isn't true. i mean i fairly regularly go through those arguments anyway, i have for years...the 'is He real' kinds of arguments. but this is different. i am in the process of stripping it down and building it again. like a...like a corroded engine. just strip it down, soak the parts, scrub each one with a toothbrush, lay them all out on a spotless white sheet and slowly start to piece them back together.
that's what i'd like to do.
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