Guilt, Grace, Relationships, and Reality

I'm happy. I probably shouldn't be, but I am. More accurately: I've always been told that I shouldn't be (under my current conditions)...but I'm not sure that that was true.

I haven't been to church in many months. I don't know which way is up when it comes to spiritual truth. I am living "worldly."

When I was growing up, I was told that life would not be worth living without Jesus. I was told that you cannot be happy or have joy in life without a relationship with Him.

Well, here I am...exactly where I was always told I should not be...and I'm doing all right. Actually, I haven't felt this free or fulfilled...ever! One of the only things that brings me sadness or unrest in this whole development is that my family and some close friends who are Christians are sad for me and are very concerned.

Currently, I am reading a book called Blue Like Jazz: Non-Religious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, by Donald Miller. So far the book is very engaging and enjoyable. This morning I finished chapter six, in which the author discussed his struggle with sin, guilt, and doing what is right.

This brought back clear memories of what I struggled with when I was "walking with Christ," (or trying to): The constant desire to do good, but the complete inability to do it. The reminder that "grace" was there because we couldn't do good. The inability to wrap my mind around "grace," and falling right back into guilt. Life sucks when the only thing that you know is that you can't possibly do what you know you should, so you feel like a failure day in and day out.

I know that this is when some would direct me to Romans 8, and tell me that this is not the way it is supposed to be..."There is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION," they would tell me. That looks terrific on paper, but how is that internalized, lived out, made real? If we are prone to do certain things in our human state, but told that we are not supposed to do them, and every day is just a struggle against the natural grain of life, but then we're not supposed to feel guilty because of grace....what kind of life is that??? To borrow an analogy from Don Miller, that is like diesel engines being told to run on unleaded gasoline!

About a year ago, I was urged by my wife and a few close friends to go see a doctor about depression. It is something that I had lived with for as long as I could remember, so I had gotten used to it. To them though, they saw it clearly and finally convinced me to go. It has really been a good thing--it has helped tremendously, and I've really never been happier or as content with life. But reflecting on this whole "can't do it, should do it, shouldn't do it, did do it...oh, but there's grace," thing brings back vivid memories of why I was depressed, and why I felt that way my whole life. What kind of life is that anyway?

Then there's the whole "relationship with God" thing... what does that mean?! In the aforementioned book, Don Miller says that he thought "...God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers. When this didn't happen, I became confused." (p. 60) I have a relationship with my wife, my daughter, and some close friends. I know what "relationships" are and what they are composed of. I am to "relate" with the person, converse, listen, love. How is this done with an entity that I have never seen, been with (oh wait, He's everywhere, isn't He...I forgot), heard (oh, I'm supposed to hear Him in the Bible...yeah...I've had more intimate conversations with people in the drive-thru at McDonald's).

People can say that they're so in love with God, and some of them actually mean it. Others will tell you of their close relationship with Him and say things like "I can tell you that God is alive because I talked to him this morning." I talked to the AT&T phone operator a few weeks ago when I called 411, but she has never called me, and just because I can talk to her does not imply that I have a relationship with her. In fact, now that I come to think of it, I've gotten more "relational," more useful, and more real information from her than I have from a "relationship with God." That may sound heretical, and downright blasphemous, but it's true! She gives me real phone numbers to real places that I can call, or even go to. When I try to have a relationship with God, I get confusion, guilt, and depression.

I can predict all the "answers" to everything I've written so far... I know the arguments, the scriptures, the right things to say in order to try and convince someone to come to an understanding of what this is all about.... But that's not what I want. I've been on that roller-coaster my whole life. It makes sense on paper, but what about reality? How are we supposed to live???... and this is where you say "under grace,"...I know.